Fall Women's Retreat

I didn’t finish last week’s lesson on Abiding Fruit. I didn’t do the latter days, although God has been majorly working in my life and what He keeps saying over and over and over and over is ABIDE!!! I was able, completely last minute and for free, to head up to the women’s retreat with my old church down in Redlands for a weekend full of friendship and focus on God.

Even when I was there, I was struggling.

I have been having a very hard time trusting God.
I sometimes have been feeling like He is not real, and is just something I have held on to because of years of practice.

Despite my frustrations, I saw that God was opening doors for me to attend the retreat and was excited to see what He would show me. I was overwhelmed as the women were singing praises to God; overwhelmed with their focus and adoration; overwhelmed with their sense of peace. I sang the songs to Him, but instead of feeling like it was overflowing out of the abundance of my heart, I felt like I was really wanting to believe it was all true.

God definitely spoke to me this weekend, although maybe not in some sort of glorious ray of light shining that I somehow wanted. I was able to spend about 5 hours with my good friend (and amazing “older woman in Christ”) Lisa . I shared my frustrations and anxieties over the past few months and she listened and cried as I cried. She encouraged me that my thoughts were normal, and maybe even rational, but that didn’t exclude that God was alive and working. She shared insight into her life that encouraged me of what I already knew, that God uses everything, even series of frustrations, disappointments, stresses and heartaches to draw us closer to Him, to reveal more of who He is, even if it seems at various times in our life as if He is not near.

The topic of the weekend was “the Four Loves” and it was based on the book of the same name by C.S. Lewis that I read a good 10 years ago. It was encouraging and eye opening as to how much I try to live the Christian life on my own. I try to be the best mom on my own strength. I try to show love to other people and what comes out is the dark side of my own personal struggles and emotions. It should be no surprise to me that I fail so often, and it was no surprise to me that all this running on my own strength has left me tired, and even a little angry.

The speaker (who was fantastic!) shared so much insight, but what sticks in my head was this small little visual illustration. She took an electric can opener and showed us how handy the invention was. She said you simple push the thing into the can, then lift it up, rotate the can an 1/8 of an inch, and push it down again. Lift the lid up, rotate the can, push down. Lift the lid up, rotate, push down. Lift, rotate, push. Lift, rotate, push. After a while of this, a few of the ladies in the audience were saying, “no, no… plug it in!!” She played the fool and said, “No, this works. It takes about 10 minutes to open this can, but it is opened. It takes quite a bit of time and energy, but I can do it on my own.” This is what we do when we try to live the Christian life on our own strength. We exhaust ourselves, our time, our resources and get frustrated in the process. God wants us to plug in to Him!! To ABIDE!!! He is the source of love, peace, joy, goodness, etc… On our own, we have no strength to do very much for Him, and we are left bitter and frustrated by the process.

I need to take the time to plug in to His power and abide in Him.

am I being pruned??

Yesterday was a horrible day. My back pain, coupled with maybe my post-vacay blues as mentioned yesterday, coupled with some extreme defiance by my almost 2-year-old (which has never happened until yesterday) and an extreme emotional breakdown by my five-year-old made for one of the worst days that I can remember. And I was a horrible mother in response, I can say with complete confidence that I exhibited none of the fruits of the spirit and the fruits of the flesh were roaring and nasty.

There were points in the day when I literally ran/limped up the stairs crying and screaming that I couldn't do this anymore, and what I really wanted to do was to run out the door. To where? no where. There is no where I would rather be than here with this family that I love so much more than anything, yet I really feel like I am going through a majorly trying time.

I was struck a few mornings ago about a line in my "Experiencing God" Bible study: "You cannot rely on someone else's faith". I feel like maybe my faith is being questioned and doubted and I am being pruned and cut back because God is wanting me to really own my own relationship with him. So many times in my life I have doubted God, but my husband's faith, or my parent's faith, or my school's faith has always encouraged me to continue. I feel like all of this pruning and cutting & struggle is God trying to show Himself to me; Him trying to get me back to the roots of what our relationship is. But I am resisting...

I am scared that He is not real. I know that sounds like something a 3rd grader already understands and has wrested through, but I guess like so many things in my life, my zealousness overshadowed fundamental learning.

Take, for example, how I learned to dance. I danced ballet for two years age 7 & 8 and then quit to play softball. Fast forward 10 years and I want to dance again. I enroll in jazz 1, having no previous jazz experience, but the instructor immediately moves me to jazz 2, and suggests jazz 3 because of my "abilities". I did fine in the class with one major exception: I could pick up choreography in a snap, I could do 9/10 of the moves with no problem and I was at the top of my class... except for my lacking technique!! Any time a move got extremely tricky, or a double or triple was added to a single anything, I struggled. Where the rest of the girls in the class had had 12 years of basics, 12 years of getting to know ballet at its fundamental core, I was just a "natural" dancer, who tried to wing it, and then I struggled.

I continued dancing for 6 more years, all in advanced classes, and all with me struggling (majorly) to do any very technical move, and all with me winging it and barely getting by in those moments. Yet, I think many didn't even notice my struggle. The common person, the common viewer at a performance or show, said I was an exceptional dancer. Yet at my core, I knew that I was faking it. I am very good at looking like I do something well.

I believe I have also danced my way around my faith with God. Undoubtedly, there have been a few moments when I have felt His presence. While serving on the "mission field" in China, I felt God's presence and hand in my life more than anywhere else. Yet here, somehow, I often feel like those creeping feelings of doubt or insecurity are getting the best of me.

Yet, I know that God is wanting me to get back to the fundamentals of faith in Him-- NOT head knowledge, NOT Bible facts. As any good "Christian" I know most of those and have rattled them off to many people at many times. The fundamentals of the Christian faith is a relationship with Him!!

Although there are many issues in my life right now, many struggles, many difficulties, I cannot say that God has removed himself from my life and is no longer participating. What I must say is that God is actively involved in this time, yes, even in the daunting struggles and is pruning, cutting things back that I used to rely on, that I used to wing it with, and getting me back to a little branch connected to the Vine, strong and sturdy so that I can bear real fruit.

Abide in Him!! Remain in Him!!

John 15:1-5
¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

post-vacay blues & vine encouragement

Despite the happiness & relaxation of my last post, of the exuberance of getting a chance to spend some fun, stress-free time with my hubby & friends, I come home to find myself bummed out. This is actually pretty typical and I have been praying against this occurance, but nevertheless, it is here.

I find myself super annoyed by every task the girls need help with, by every little squabble between them, by every toy on the floor, every dish in the sink. These small issues on a non-post-vacay day would just be minor annoyances, but on a post-vacay day, they are the end of the world. I am having to force myself to remain thankful and grateful for my time away, as well as for my sweet, amazing babies who often do have minor issues.

I was so grumpy yesterday (and tired!) that I didn't even open up the Bible, when really that is the one thing I should have done other than prayer (which I also did not do). So here today, I turn to day 1&2 of the abiding fruit study on a new set of verses, John 15:1-11:

¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He ^[a]prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already ^[b]clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit ^[c]of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵ I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. ⁷ If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so ^[d]prove to be My disciples. ⁹ Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. ¹⁰ If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. ¹¹ These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.


Who is writing? Why? Initial thoughts/questions?

John, the apostle, is writing his gospel, his account of Jesus' life. He is writing as a testimony to what Jesus did and what Jesus said. No doubt he included this passage as it was a strong teaching that Jesus gave. The context of this passage (if taken chronologically) is just after Jesus has washed the disciples feet, and has promised the Holy Spirit. He is speaking in the upper room to his disciples only. He is not speaking to non-believers. He is encouraging them because he knows that he soon will be absent.

Initially, I am struck by the fact that Jesus is talking to his disciples, to the ones that have followed Him the most. Is it then the natural sin nature, when the physical Jesus is no longer with you (as I have of course always experienced), to try to find other things to abide in and still produce fruit?? This warning and call to remain in Him is to those who were closest to Jesus while He was on earth, yet even they needed the reminder that it is when we "make our home in him" as the Message says, that we produce fruit.

This passage teaches me many things about God. It teaches me that the Father is extremely deep; he is not a simple character. He is very invested in the lives of His children as a gardener is in his garden. He takes action on non-producing parts and removes them so that they are not hindrances in His kingdom. He wants us to be the most fruitful that we can be. He remains in us!! He is the source of power and life. He is glorified by fruit in our lives. He LOVES; he takes JOY in us!!

About the author John: Just that this teaching must have been of such significance in his own life to include it. As for Jesus as the speaker, it shows his great love, care and compassion for those who follow Him.

About me: I will be pruned and cut so that I can bear fruit. I believe this means that life will not always appear "easy" for me, and that there is discipline and pruning for a variety of reasons in my life. What is important is to remember to remain in Him, even during these times of pruning, and then I will see more abundant fruit in my life. I can do NOTHING on my own. I am already clean because of Christ's sacrifice, stay in Him who healed me. I show glory to God by bearing fruit. I will have joy (and share in Christ's joy) when I remain in Him.

Getaway weekend with the hubby & friends

This weekend, we shipped the girls off to grandma & papas and ran away to Vegas!!

It was a little birthday present for my sweetie!! We stayed at the Trump International Hotel, which was fabulous & relaxing and very fancy.

We went with our amazing pals, Josh & Kellie, who we get to spend way too little time with due to the distance between our houses. It was a weekend full of kid-free fun, an awesome show by one of our favorite bands, "Bright Eyes", and just fun, stress-free time with the boy.

I am so thankful for these little moments that help Matt & I reconnect and remember what we were like (sorta) before the kids.

Vegas is actually a pretty horrible place, but just the chance to get away, have some fun & relax (and put on blinders so that I am not overwhelmed by porn!!) made it worth while.

Application day

Yesterday, my Hannah got the other girl's sickness.

She is so much like me when she is sick!! She cries a lot, she feels overwhelmed by the whole idea of sickness and throwing up and genuinely has a hard time coping with her body's response to this foreign invader!! Poor thing!! And to top it off, she threw up in Walgreens all over the floor, in front of a couple people, and she missed dad's birthday dinner (as I stayed home with her to help her while she was sick).

Today's Galatians prompt is to apply. What is the Lord leading me to DO as a result of Galatians 5:16-26???

I definitely need to walk by the Spirit. I need to spend time with Him each day. I need to be listening to Him when He is speaking to me and I need to come to Him with my heart and concerns. I appreciate the freedom that comes with this walk, and I ask Him that He would help me to live by His Spirit, even though my flesh is in contradiction with it.

The acts of the flesh are obvious in my life, and I ask God for forgiveness and a renewed assurance that it is my walking in Him, trusting in Him, spending time with Him that I will be freed from the power that this lifestyle holds over me.

Finally, I need to watch myself for being conceited and prideful. I need to keep this in check as it seems so very easy to switch from a lifestyle of the flesh to one of the Spirit (by His grace), and yet then start bragging and feeling puffed up about who I am.

I am excited about diving into each of these fruits in more detail as I definitely am wanting to have those be evident in my life. However, I think this week's lesson was a fantastic reminder that it is through walking in His Spirit, and nothing else, (not me willing good things up out of no where) that these fruits will genuinely blossom in my life.

Apply. What is the Lord leading me to DO as a result of Galatians 5:16-26?

Abiding Fruit & another birthday

Back-to-back birthdays in our house, this time it is my Matthew's 33rd.

He is such an amazing blessing to me; truly a gift from God. He is a man that longs to do the will of God and remains so confident in His plans for our lives. I cannot imagine going through this life without him and I thank God for him!!!

Today's prompt is to look at the commands in Galatians 5:16-26. What am I commanded to do or not to do?

While most of the commands in this passage are a bit subliminal, I will state them anyway...
-Walk by the Spirit
-Keep in step with the Spirit
-Do not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

It is interesting to find the 3rd command in with the first two. It is so easy to, when already walking by the Spirit, think of yourself more highly than you ought to.

Help me Father to live by these commands today!

Abiding Fruit

Today is my oldest daughter's 7th birthday!! I am amazed that seven years have gone by on one hand, that she has grown from such a teeny, tiny baby into a beautiful little girl, yet at the same time, it has seemed to go by in just a split second.

Is this how it will always be??

Thank you God for my sweet Abigail. Thank you for trusting us with her. Help me to be the mom that she needs, so that she may fully be the woman you have called her to be.

Today's Bible study prompt was to read Galatians 5:16-26 again and talk about the promises:

-Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Conditional Promise... if I walk by the Spirit.
-If I am led by the Spirit, I am not under the law.
Conditional Promise... if I am led by the Spirit.
-Those who live according the flesh will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Conditional Promise... if I live according the flesh.
-Those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Unconditional Promise. I BELONG TO CHRIST.

I am just thinking this morning... what does it really mean to walk by the spirit or be led by the spirit. How different is that from living according to the flesh??

I am grateful for how my two Bible studies are working together. I feel like the Experiencing God study will help me be more in tune with what God is saying to me, so that I can be sure that I am walking according to where he is moving.