Fall Women's Retreat

I didn’t finish last week’s lesson on Abiding Fruit. I didn’t do the latter days, although God has been majorly working in my life and what He keeps saying over and over and over and over is ABIDE!!! I was able, completely last minute and for free, to head up to the women’s retreat with my old church down in Redlands for a weekend full of friendship and focus on God.

Even when I was there, I was struggling.

I have been having a very hard time trusting God.
I sometimes have been feeling like He is not real, and is just something I have held on to because of years of practice.

Despite my frustrations, I saw that God was opening doors for me to attend the retreat and was excited to see what He would show me. I was overwhelmed as the women were singing praises to God; overwhelmed with their focus and adoration; overwhelmed with their sense of peace. I sang the songs to Him, but instead of feeling like it was overflowing out of the abundance of my heart, I felt like I was really wanting to believe it was all true.

God definitely spoke to me this weekend, although maybe not in some sort of glorious ray of light shining that I somehow wanted. I was able to spend about 5 hours with my good friend (and amazing “older woman in Christ”) Lisa . I shared my frustrations and anxieties over the past few months and she listened and cried as I cried. She encouraged me that my thoughts were normal, and maybe even rational, but that didn’t exclude that God was alive and working. She shared insight into her life that encouraged me of what I already knew, that God uses everything, even series of frustrations, disappointments, stresses and heartaches to draw us closer to Him, to reveal more of who He is, even if it seems at various times in our life as if He is not near.

The topic of the weekend was “the Four Loves” and it was based on the book of the same name by C.S. Lewis that I read a good 10 years ago. It was encouraging and eye opening as to how much I try to live the Christian life on my own. I try to be the best mom on my own strength. I try to show love to other people and what comes out is the dark side of my own personal struggles and emotions. It should be no surprise to me that I fail so often, and it was no surprise to me that all this running on my own strength has left me tired, and even a little angry.

The speaker (who was fantastic!) shared so much insight, but what sticks in my head was this small little visual illustration. She took an electric can opener and showed us how handy the invention was. She said you simple push the thing into the can, then lift it up, rotate the can an 1/8 of an inch, and push it down again. Lift the lid up, rotate the can, push down. Lift the lid up, rotate, push down. Lift, rotate, push. Lift, rotate, push. After a while of this, a few of the ladies in the audience were saying, “no, no… plug it in!!” She played the fool and said, “No, this works. It takes about 10 minutes to open this can, but it is opened. It takes quite a bit of time and energy, but I can do it on my own.” This is what we do when we try to live the Christian life on our own strength. We exhaust ourselves, our time, our resources and get frustrated in the process. God wants us to plug in to Him!! To ABIDE!!! He is the source of love, peace, joy, goodness, etc… On our own, we have no strength to do very much for Him, and we are left bitter and frustrated by the process.

I need to take the time to plug in to His power and abide in Him.

am I being pruned??

Yesterday was a horrible day. My back pain, coupled with maybe my post-vacay blues as mentioned yesterday, coupled with some extreme defiance by my almost 2-year-old (which has never happened until yesterday) and an extreme emotional breakdown by my five-year-old made for one of the worst days that I can remember. And I was a horrible mother in response, I can say with complete confidence that I exhibited none of the fruits of the spirit and the fruits of the flesh were roaring and nasty.

There were points in the day when I literally ran/limped up the stairs crying and screaming that I couldn't do this anymore, and what I really wanted to do was to run out the door. To where? no where. There is no where I would rather be than here with this family that I love so much more than anything, yet I really feel like I am going through a majorly trying time.

I was struck a few mornings ago about a line in my "Experiencing God" Bible study: "You cannot rely on someone else's faith". I feel like maybe my faith is being questioned and doubted and I am being pruned and cut back because God is wanting me to really own my own relationship with him. So many times in my life I have doubted God, but my husband's faith, or my parent's faith, or my school's faith has always encouraged me to continue. I feel like all of this pruning and cutting & struggle is God trying to show Himself to me; Him trying to get me back to the roots of what our relationship is. But I am resisting...

I am scared that He is not real. I know that sounds like something a 3rd grader already understands and has wrested through, but I guess like so many things in my life, my zealousness overshadowed fundamental learning.

Take, for example, how I learned to dance. I danced ballet for two years age 7 & 8 and then quit to play softball. Fast forward 10 years and I want to dance again. I enroll in jazz 1, having no previous jazz experience, but the instructor immediately moves me to jazz 2, and suggests jazz 3 because of my "abilities". I did fine in the class with one major exception: I could pick up choreography in a snap, I could do 9/10 of the moves with no problem and I was at the top of my class... except for my lacking technique!! Any time a move got extremely tricky, or a double or triple was added to a single anything, I struggled. Where the rest of the girls in the class had had 12 years of basics, 12 years of getting to know ballet at its fundamental core, I was just a "natural" dancer, who tried to wing it, and then I struggled.

I continued dancing for 6 more years, all in advanced classes, and all with me struggling (majorly) to do any very technical move, and all with me winging it and barely getting by in those moments. Yet, I think many didn't even notice my struggle. The common person, the common viewer at a performance or show, said I was an exceptional dancer. Yet at my core, I knew that I was faking it. I am very good at looking like I do something well.

I believe I have also danced my way around my faith with God. Undoubtedly, there have been a few moments when I have felt His presence. While serving on the "mission field" in China, I felt God's presence and hand in my life more than anywhere else. Yet here, somehow, I often feel like those creeping feelings of doubt or insecurity are getting the best of me.

Yet, I know that God is wanting me to get back to the fundamentals of faith in Him-- NOT head knowledge, NOT Bible facts. As any good "Christian" I know most of those and have rattled them off to many people at many times. The fundamentals of the Christian faith is a relationship with Him!!

Although there are many issues in my life right now, many struggles, many difficulties, I cannot say that God has removed himself from my life and is no longer participating. What I must say is that God is actively involved in this time, yes, even in the daunting struggles and is pruning, cutting things back that I used to rely on, that I used to wing it with, and getting me back to a little branch connected to the Vine, strong and sturdy so that I can bear real fruit.

Abide in Him!! Remain in Him!!

John 15:1-5
¹ “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes^[a] so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. ⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.

post-vacay blues & vine encouragement

Despite the happiness & relaxation of my last post, of the exuberance of getting a chance to spend some fun, stress-free time with my hubby & friends, I come home to find myself bummed out. This is actually pretty typical and I have been praying against this occurance, but nevertheless, it is here.

I find myself super annoyed by every task the girls need help with, by every little squabble between them, by every toy on the floor, every dish in the sink. These small issues on a non-post-vacay day would just be minor annoyances, but on a post-vacay day, they are the end of the world. I am having to force myself to remain thankful and grateful for my time away, as well as for my sweet, amazing babies who often do have minor issues.

I was so grumpy yesterday (and tired!) that I didn't even open up the Bible, when really that is the one thing I should have done other than prayer (which I also did not do). So here today, I turn to day 1&2 of the abiding fruit study on a new set of verses, John 15:1-11:

¹ “I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. ² Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He ^[a]prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. ³ You are already ^[b]clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. ⁴ Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit ^[c]of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. ⁵ I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. ⁶ If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. ⁷ If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so ^[d]prove to be My disciples. ⁹ Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. ¹⁰ If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. ¹¹ These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.


Who is writing? Why? Initial thoughts/questions?

John, the apostle, is writing his gospel, his account of Jesus' life. He is writing as a testimony to what Jesus did and what Jesus said. No doubt he included this passage as it was a strong teaching that Jesus gave. The context of this passage (if taken chronologically) is just after Jesus has washed the disciples feet, and has promised the Holy Spirit. He is speaking in the upper room to his disciples only. He is not speaking to non-believers. He is encouraging them because he knows that he soon will be absent.

Initially, I am struck by the fact that Jesus is talking to his disciples, to the ones that have followed Him the most. Is it then the natural sin nature, when the physical Jesus is no longer with you (as I have of course always experienced), to try to find other things to abide in and still produce fruit?? This warning and call to remain in Him is to those who were closest to Jesus while He was on earth, yet even they needed the reminder that it is when we "make our home in him" as the Message says, that we produce fruit.

This passage teaches me many things about God. It teaches me that the Father is extremely deep; he is not a simple character. He is very invested in the lives of His children as a gardener is in his garden. He takes action on non-producing parts and removes them so that they are not hindrances in His kingdom. He wants us to be the most fruitful that we can be. He remains in us!! He is the source of power and life. He is glorified by fruit in our lives. He LOVES; he takes JOY in us!!

About the author John: Just that this teaching must have been of such significance in his own life to include it. As for Jesus as the speaker, it shows his great love, care and compassion for those who follow Him.

About me: I will be pruned and cut so that I can bear fruit. I believe this means that life will not always appear "easy" for me, and that there is discipline and pruning for a variety of reasons in my life. What is important is to remember to remain in Him, even during these times of pruning, and then I will see more abundant fruit in my life. I can do NOTHING on my own. I am already clean because of Christ's sacrifice, stay in Him who healed me. I show glory to God by bearing fruit. I will have joy (and share in Christ's joy) when I remain in Him.

Getaway weekend with the hubby & friends

This weekend, we shipped the girls off to grandma & papas and ran away to Vegas!!

It was a little birthday present for my sweetie!! We stayed at the Trump International Hotel, which was fabulous & relaxing and very fancy.

We went with our amazing pals, Josh & Kellie, who we get to spend way too little time with due to the distance between our houses. It was a weekend full of kid-free fun, an awesome show by one of our favorite bands, "Bright Eyes", and just fun, stress-free time with the boy.

I am so thankful for these little moments that help Matt & I reconnect and remember what we were like (sorta) before the kids.

Vegas is actually a pretty horrible place, but just the chance to get away, have some fun & relax (and put on blinders so that I am not overwhelmed by porn!!) made it worth while.

Application day

Yesterday, my Hannah got the other girl's sickness.

She is so much like me when she is sick!! She cries a lot, she feels overwhelmed by the whole idea of sickness and throwing up and genuinely has a hard time coping with her body's response to this foreign invader!! Poor thing!! And to top it off, she threw up in Walgreens all over the floor, in front of a couple people, and she missed dad's birthday dinner (as I stayed home with her to help her while she was sick).

Today's Galatians prompt is to apply. What is the Lord leading me to DO as a result of Galatians 5:16-26???

I definitely need to walk by the Spirit. I need to spend time with Him each day. I need to be listening to Him when He is speaking to me and I need to come to Him with my heart and concerns. I appreciate the freedom that comes with this walk, and I ask Him that He would help me to live by His Spirit, even though my flesh is in contradiction with it.

The acts of the flesh are obvious in my life, and I ask God for forgiveness and a renewed assurance that it is my walking in Him, trusting in Him, spending time with Him that I will be freed from the power that this lifestyle holds over me.

Finally, I need to watch myself for being conceited and prideful. I need to keep this in check as it seems so very easy to switch from a lifestyle of the flesh to one of the Spirit (by His grace), and yet then start bragging and feeling puffed up about who I am.

I am excited about diving into each of these fruits in more detail as I definitely am wanting to have those be evident in my life. However, I think this week's lesson was a fantastic reminder that it is through walking in His Spirit, and nothing else, (not me willing good things up out of no where) that these fruits will genuinely blossom in my life.

Apply. What is the Lord leading me to DO as a result of Galatians 5:16-26?

Abiding Fruit & another birthday

Back-to-back birthdays in our house, this time it is my Matthew's 33rd.

He is such an amazing blessing to me; truly a gift from God. He is a man that longs to do the will of God and remains so confident in His plans for our lives. I cannot imagine going through this life without him and I thank God for him!!!

Today's prompt is to look at the commands in Galatians 5:16-26. What am I commanded to do or not to do?

While most of the commands in this passage are a bit subliminal, I will state them anyway...
-Walk by the Spirit
-Keep in step with the Spirit
-Do not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

It is interesting to find the 3rd command in with the first two. It is so easy to, when already walking by the Spirit, think of yourself more highly than you ought to.

Help me Father to live by these commands today!

Abiding Fruit

Today is my oldest daughter's 7th birthday!! I am amazed that seven years have gone by on one hand, that she has grown from such a teeny, tiny baby into a beautiful little girl, yet at the same time, it has seemed to go by in just a split second.

Is this how it will always be??

Thank you God for my sweet Abigail. Thank you for trusting us with her. Help me to be the mom that she needs, so that she may fully be the woman you have called her to be.

Today's Bible study prompt was to read Galatians 5:16-26 again and talk about the promises:

-Walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Conditional Promise... if I walk by the Spirit.
-If I am led by the Spirit, I am not under the law.
Conditional Promise... if I am led by the Spirit.
-Those who live according the flesh will not inherit the kingdom of God.
Conditional Promise... if I live according the flesh.
-Those who belong to Christ have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
Unconditional Promise. I BELONG TO CHRIST.

I am just thinking this morning... what does it really mean to walk by the spirit or be led by the spirit. How different is that from living according to the flesh??

I am grateful for how my two Bible studies are working together. I feel like the Experiencing God study will help me be more in tune with what God is saying to me, so that I can be sure that I am walking according to where he is moving.

Abiding Fruit

Not so early morning today. 2/3 of my kids are sick throwing up (and I am hoping that Hannah & myself are not getting it!!)

Today's prompt is to look for truths in the passage. The note points out that if we allow lies to fill our head, then we will begin to doubt God's love and provision for us. I have done this!!

Here are the truths from this passage:

What does this passage teach about God?
-God (the Spirit) is in conflict with my what my flesh desires.
-God is above the law. (The Spirit, vs.18)

What does this passage teach about the author? (Paul)
-He has given this warning to the Galatians before; this is a reiteration of a point.
-He lived by the Spirit.

What does this passage teach about who I am in Christ?
-I am not under the law if I am led by the Spirit.
-Since I belong to Christ, I have crucified my flesh with its passions & desires

Abiding Fruit

Starting a new Bible study this morning & of course nothing went as planned: oldest is sick throwing up, youngest was taken to doctor to check on a broken foot (it is not broken), couldn't do playgroup roll out of Bible study b/c of sick babies, etc...

Nevertheless, here I go:

Week one, Day one.

Galatians 5: 16-26 ¹⁶ So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. ¹⁷ For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever^[a] you want. ¹⁸ But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.

¹⁹ The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; ²⁰ idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions ²¹ and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. ²⁴ Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. ²⁵ Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. ²⁶ Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Today's journal prompt: Who is writing? Why? Jot down your initial thoughts & questions.

Phew. I think that I fit so many of the descriptions of the acts of the flesh!! Ugh!! The fruits of the spirit are not really evident in my life unless I try to will them up. I need to walk and be led by the Spirit.

I think it is interesting how the lines after the fruits of the spirit warn against becoming conceited. How very easy it is to become conceited, even by something great God has blessed us with.

It also speaks against envying another's fruits. I do this WAY too much. I see something awesome in someone else's life and WANT IT. But instead of that motivating me toward God and following and walking by the Spirit, it just leads me to selfish pursuits.

As for the author, it was written by Paul to the church at Galatia to possibly correct them from misunderstandings in the Christian faith.

Father, help me this week to understand what you mean by the fruits of the spirit, to help me learn to walk by your spirit so these fruits may be evident in my life.

Modeling

When I was a kid, I loved many things about my mother. She always looked amazingly beautiful when she got all dressed up for a party; her eyes always sparkled and she never looked not put together, even when we were going to the grocery store. She liked playing card games, and would stay up laughing and talking when her sisters or niece came to visit like a little school girl. She was always very encouraging when it came to my school work, and supported all of us kids by showing up to every game, practice, outing, festival, carnival, birthday, special day and more. She made my lunches in the morning and would take me out for special treats if I had to miss any school for a doctors or dentist appointment.
There were also things about my mom that left me wanting, as I suppose there are for any child. I wanted to be held and cuddled more, although I doubt she ever turned away a hug or kiss from me. I wanted to be played with more often, as she was often too busy to sit down and play games with me. I wanted to be appreciated for the help I did, or tried to do, even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted, or if it wasn't exactly done in the way that left her less work to do. I really sought to please her because I loved it when she was happy with me.

Tonight, I realize that in many ways, I have turned into this same type of mother. I am very supportive and encouraging of extra-curricular activities, I volunteer in the classroom for each of my kiddos, I enjoy taking them on special outings, and I love talking to my friends and playing games. I too think I spend less time cuddling and playing with my girls and more time being frustrated by them, or just too busy to stop for a moment and play. I also blow a fuse when they have again not cleaned their room for the 400th time and I treat them very poor, as if to say to them, "I love you, when you clean your room and do as I say." I hate this in me.

I hate that they might feel that they need to perform a certain way to earn my love and approval. Sometimes I just hate what flows out of me all on it's own.

No revelations tonight of God's love and grace, just frustration at the hypocritical mom I have so often turned out to be.

Help-meet??

I read a book a while back about being a husband's "Help-meet" as I guess is the appropriate translation of the Genesis account of what a woman was created to be. Tonight, I just feel a little bit overwhelmed by that task and am reminded that it is in God alone that true comfort, help and restoration is found.

My husband is struggling tonight with frustration, guilt and shame for a small financial situation we've found ourselves in. Like so many Americans, the downturn of the real estate market has effected so many, including my little family in these walls tonight. We, like many others, are possibly going to lose a house, hopefully to a short-sale, but certainly to something, and it is currently at an unknown cost to our current home and/or assets. It is not in this realization that my husband has found his frustration tonight, but in the factual, grueling hardship letter that had to be composed detailing the downfall.

Although I am not a man, I understand that financial provision is up there among most men's "must-do" lists and I can assume that any litany of my negative decisions and actions typed out in Times Roman for all the world to see would be humiliating and overwhelming.

I lack the ability to cheer him up tonight, and he went to bed quite solemn and exasperated.

I am reminded of a story in Tina Fey's (not-very-Christian) book (that I found greatly enjoyable!): Bossypants. She recounts the story of her mother watching two small Greek children while their parents went to a wedding. The baby cried non-stop in the playpen the ENTIRE time the parents were gone, and after hours and hours of this torture, the 7-year-old brother couldn't take it anymore. He eventually burst and yelled out in Greek (which Tina Fey's mother understood) something along the lines of, "What will come of us!!???" Privy to the situation in the scope of the human existence, their situation was not very horrific, and Fey's mom ran to the kitchen to hide her laughter at this situation.

Although her connection was not spiritual, I agreed with her point: many times in life, we are that small, 7-year-old boy, running around thinking the entire world is crashing down on us in a not-so-tragic situation. I believe this must at times be what God sees of us--running and scrambling and crying out in frustration, anger or shame at the situation we have found ourselves in, when really, He is with us. He is in control.

I am grateful that whatever situation we find ourselves in, just by aligning ourselves in Him, we are never removed from God's presence, love and plan for our life.

Rough Mom Day

Recently, I've been struggling with my identity as a mom.

I am not sure who I am other than "mom" and many times I feel like my former, non-mom self is such a faint memory that I don't even recall how I felt. I look back on decisions I've made, journals I've written and letters I find that seem to evoke thoughts from someone I've never met.

Maybe everyone does this as they age and it has less to do with mom-dom and more to do with the passage of time and maturity.

I just wonder when the Katie I remember and the mom I've become will join hands and work together, or will there constantly be this perpetual pull in two different directions as if one of them is in the wrong and needs to be let go.

I love my girls. I can honestly say that before having them, I never thought I could love someone so much that your whole life would be encompassed in them. I am just in the beginning stages of becoming that uber-involved mom. I run and lead a playgroup for my littlest two and worked 6 hours/week in my oldest daughter's classroom. They are hardly ever away from my side for more than a few minutes while I potentially have a second to myself or to share with my hubby in the evening. They even still join us in our bed in a nightly parade of pitter pattering feet walking across the hall. Next year, my middle daughter will start Kindergarten and I am sure I will be with her every step of the way. I love being involved in their lives, I love spending time with them, and I love watching them grow.

Yet, why do I feel sometimes that with each give of myself toward their lives, that I lose a little bit of my own identity as a person?? Does it have to be this way? Are the two connected on a line that pulls and pushes in directly opposite directions, or is this connection just in my head??

I had a hard mom day today. I felt frustrated by my children fighting, crying, fighting and crying again. An outing to the park was delayed and eventually we ran out of time, my lofty dinner plans went awry as the chicken that I bought expired a few days before. None of those individual frustrations add up to the way I felt today: suffocation. After the chicken date check, and the all too casual F-bomb that I dropped loud enough for all ears to hear, I lost it and sobbed for 30 minutes. My dear children and husband tried to comfort me, but I felt very confused and lost in my own thoughts that I wasn't quite ready for comfort.

Is there another job in the world that causes so much inner conflict, love, joy, pain and sadness all at once? I can't imagine it.

And I can't imagine my world without my beautiful girls, either.

Bad day or not, they are the most amazing thing I've ever been blessed with.

Before they went to bed, I heard them laughing and playing in the other room and I was reminded of myself as a small child making up a store and then "buying" different items. It brought a smile to my face to end the day, and I am thankful for little bits of joy in the midst of anything.

For that God, I am thankful.

What I did when I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing

I planned on blogging a lot. I admit I wanted about 10,000 followers (who all love and adore me as if I was in my own Julie & Julia book and give me little quips of encouragement along the way as life gets difficult). I wanted to blog so that I could have something permanent written down about my beautiful children.
Well, almost 2 years have passed since my last blog post and I haven't quite done what I set out to do.

So, what have I been up to?? (You might ask, if there is a you...)

I've been playing. I've been so busy playing and laughing and learning and cleaning and wiping and sleeping that I haven't really had time for you.

While I regret leaving you hanging, I don't regret the time spent with my darling little ones, who for the moment, are still quite little.

I leave you with something my oldest said the other day in response to a co-1st grader telling her the boy on her sticker was hot. "I touched the sticker mom, it wasn't hot at all!" :)