Modeling

When I was a kid, I loved many things about my mother. She always looked amazingly beautiful when she got all dressed up for a party; her eyes always sparkled and she never looked not put together, even when we were going to the grocery store. She liked playing card games, and would stay up laughing and talking when her sisters or niece came to visit like a little school girl. She was always very encouraging when it came to my school work, and supported all of us kids by showing up to every game, practice, outing, festival, carnival, birthday, special day and more. She made my lunches in the morning and would take me out for special treats if I had to miss any school for a doctors or dentist appointment.
There were also things about my mom that left me wanting, as I suppose there are for any child. I wanted to be held and cuddled more, although I doubt she ever turned away a hug or kiss from me. I wanted to be played with more often, as she was often too busy to sit down and play games with me. I wanted to be appreciated for the help I did, or tried to do, even if it wasn't exactly what she wanted, or if it wasn't exactly done in the way that left her less work to do. I really sought to please her because I loved it when she was happy with me.

Tonight, I realize that in many ways, I have turned into this same type of mother. I am very supportive and encouraging of extra-curricular activities, I volunteer in the classroom for each of my kiddos, I enjoy taking them on special outings, and I love talking to my friends and playing games. I too think I spend less time cuddling and playing with my girls and more time being frustrated by them, or just too busy to stop for a moment and play. I also blow a fuse when they have again not cleaned their room for the 400th time and I treat them very poor, as if to say to them, "I love you, when you clean your room and do as I say." I hate this in me.

I hate that they might feel that they need to perform a certain way to earn my love and approval. Sometimes I just hate what flows out of me all on it's own.

No revelations tonight of God's love and grace, just frustration at the hypocritical mom I have so often turned out to be.